Last week the UFC held their “Fighter Summit” where they invited all of the Zuffa fighters to come to Las Vegas and learn about such topics as head injuries, social media, taxes, information about their new insurance coverage, and so on.
What happens when you take a whole bunch of MMA fighters, put them all in a room together and make them sit and listen to lectures? If you guessed, “They’d fall asleep”, you’re right. If you guessed, “juvenile hijinks”, you’re correct! If you said, “I’m not sure but I bet Pat Barry will wind up in his underwear at some point”, kudos to you – and really we all should’ve seen that one coming.I also gave Patrick “Hype or Die” several new nicknames. Patsly Underpantsberry, PATSLY CAPSBEERY (due to his new habit of only tweeting in all caps), and okay it was just two nicknames. However, I did give Matt “Meathead” Mitrione two new nicknames as well: Mattsly Mits and Carni-Dome… Carni-Dome, Meathead. Ya feel me? Yeah, no one else did either. You people. Sometimes I don’t understand what you want from me. I’m only human. Why do I even bother? Why?! Eh. I dunno. Anyway, meanwhile back at the Fighter Summit, Carni-Dome almost threw down with Tito Ortiz, lots of fighters fell asleep, almost all of them tweeted to keep themselves amused and then they found out there would be bonuses for tweeting. Suddenly, every fighter wanted to be your friend. They were all like “Really @Brad8980? Tell me more about your kid’s soccer game. Does he have a Twitter? Tell him to follow me! Lol!” Check out the UFC’s Tweets of the Week, there were a bunch of funny fighter tweets. Including Ryan Bader and Josh Koscheck stealing Cain Velasquez’s summit evaluation and writing funny shit on it. BADER-KOS’d!!
Anyway, one of the things with this whole Twitter initiative bonus thing is that you have to have at least 2,000 followers to even qualify for the bonus. Since my boy Dan “Dannyboy” Downes is training for his fight against Jeremy “Lil Heathen” Stephens on June 4 stepping in for an injured Jonathan Brookins, I’ve taken it upon myself to help him (and me) break 2k. I’ve given shit away, I’ve begged, I’ve offered an “I Hate SBoI” shirt when I break 2k and when Dan does and still, it’s like pulling teeth. I’m not asking for your first born. Click the fucking follow button and follow someone whose tweets are by in large really awesome and funny. Don’t be a dickhole! Just DO IT!! If you already did, you’re totally cool and feel free to look down on those who aren’t following. You deserve that feeling of superiority. Boo-Yah!
Bellator 44. Schlemiel, Shlemenko, hasenpfeffer incorporated! Unless you were born before 1977 and/or your name is Gary Friedman, you’re probably not going to get that reference. It’s not for you then. Anyway, if you ask Alexander Shlemenko for his autograph will he spinning back sign it? Will he give you a spinning back handshake? Will he spinning back read this and tell me (through his translator) to spinning back fuck myself? Make no mistake, I spinning back love Shlemenko! Russians, man. Tough as nails. I mean, all due respect to Brett Cooper who hung in there. It was just like when you play that hand slap game with someone who’s just too fast for you and you keep getting slapped in the back of the hands even though you know it’s coming and man is it frustrating. That’s what Shlemenko did to Cooper everytime he landed a spinning back fist or kick. Although, also props to Cooper on his 70′s porn star look and his top-notch mean mug. Seriously. Good shit.
Hector Lombard took his time with Falaniko Vitale which didn’t make for the most exciting Hector Lombard fight but Vitale played it kinda cautiously too trying to get Lombard into the later rounds which would’ve been a good plan if Hector had come out guns ablazin’. He picked his moments and threw some combinations but didn’t try to force the finish. So, yeah, Vitale took him into the third round but in the third round Hector was still fresh when he caught Vitale with a beautiful right hook that landed on the button. Hector was so confident that he didn’t really do anything as Vitale wobbled backwards on rubber legs, fell onto his hands, and instinctively popped up to his feet still totally dazed. Lombard looked at Ref Miraglagoofy like “Really? You’re gonna make me hit him again?” and Vitale just fell right over again. Nice.
Miraglagoofy has a history of letting fights go just a little too long. Earlier in the night he let Giedrius Karavackas punch Sam Oropeza in the face for like two or three minutes. Of course he almost let Shane Carwin kill Frank Mir before he stopped it. I mean it’s not like an outrage or anything, he just seems to let fights go on while I’m watching it going “Jeeze, Miraglagoofy, I don’t think he’s getting out of this after two minutes of pummeling…”
Patricky Freire vs. Michael Chandler… I already used all of my Chandler from Friends and “Pitbull” is a cliché nickname jokes up over the course of this tournament. However, I can say that Chandler kicked Freire in the junk so many times that he may’ve neutered the Pitbull. He should be a veterinarian the way he put that Pitbull down. Okay… that’s totally all the pitbull jokes I got… or is it?!
One would’ve expected Chandler to try and take Freire to the ground with his wresting background but Chandler seemed content to keep it standing for the entire first round. At one point, Chandler nailed Patricky with a hard shot right in the pitballs (okay… that was the last one) at the bell to end Round 1, not a lot of shots landed (aside from the accidental junk punt) but Chandler was definitely more aggressive. In Round 2, about thirty seconds in they started to think they were both “Showtime” Pettis and started running and punching, throwing leaping kicks and flying knees, and then they clinched up and Chandler kneed “Pitbull” right in the red rocket again! Both guys content to stand and kickbox, pretty much a draw on the feet when Chandler steals the round with a takedown in the last minute. Third round pretty much the same as the second complete with another accidental groin strike – a kick this time. Unintentional but still that’s three shots, one for the twig and one for each berry. Chandler gets a point deduction that leads to a unanimous win for him 29-27. Man, Chandler walked that pitbull like his name was Phil Baroni. Okay, seriously, that was the last one. I swear. Really.