Spilled Bag of Fights: Simmer Down, Canadians!

Let me start this column off by saying, all the combinations of Steven Seagal, Osama Bin Laden, and MMA jokes have been done. In most cases a thousand times by a thousand people who thought they were really coming up with gold. Check your timeline, homie. Seriously. Go to Twitter and put Seagal Bin Laden in the search bar. I’ll wait… See? I hope we’ve learned something.  Okay, you want a Seagal, Bin Laden joke? An ORIGINAL one? If I give you one, can we move on? Okay… What do Steven Seagal and Osama Bin Laden have in common? No one knew where the fuck they were for the last ten years and now people won’t shut the fuck up about them… and neither one of them invented the front kick.  You’re welcome. Now for the love of all that is holy, stop it. Thank you.

You Canadians need to chill the fuck out. Seriously.  Okay… you simmered down yet? Okay. Let’s talk some UFC 129.

The entire card was broadcast between Facebook, Spike TV, and PPV. The first four fights resulted in some spectacular finishes. Pablo Garza with a “Submission of the Night”-earning flying Triangle Choke in the first round over Yves Jabouin; John Makdessi with a brutal spinning back fist KO over Kyle Watson; Jason MacDonald with a first round Triangle Choke over Kyle Jensen; and Ivan Menjivar with a nose-smashing and fight-ending elbow that TKOed Charlie Valencia also in the first round.

I think customs confiscated Nate Diaz’s 209 mojo at the airport. I wonder if he flew out of the Stockton airport. I saw on a recent episode of Mythbusters that Stockton has an airport. I wonder if they tell you “We’re getting the fuck outta here so turn your phone and shit off and whatever unless you wanna get slapped like a bitch”, before take-off. Anyway, Rory MacDonald was on point and showed that his first two rounds against Carlos Condit were no fluke. He didn’t give Nate a moment to breathe as he thrice suplexed him in the third round. As Joe Rogan might say,  “this kid is for real!” Really impressive fights and a great way to start off the Spike TV televised fights… and yes I said thrice.

On my guest appearance on My Take Radio Thursday, I described Jake Ellenberger as a smaller poor-man’s Ryan Bader. While Bader may have a little better wrestling and Ellenberger better striking, the blend of skills and style and talent are similar. Ellenberger is a dude who I think definitely deserves more recognition. His first round KO over Sean Pierson cemented that. Simmer down, Canadians!

A lot of people including my venerable MMA Gospel Radio Co-Host, Gary Friedman, ranted and raved like crazy lunatics about Jason Brilz vs. Vladimir Matyushenko being on the main card. Not that I don’t agree that there were more worthy fights but… I just like to imagine Vlady heard all this and was just like “Just gimme 20 seconds of your precious main card time…”

Fuck yeah! “The Janitor” scoring one for the veterans of the sport. Sorry, Brilz. We all know you beat Lil’ Nog if that’s any consolation.

WEC NEVER DIE!!! A lot of people thought that when the WEC got absorbed into the UFC that the WEC lightweights would have a tough time hanging with the UFC lightweights. In fact, I believe Mac Danzig expressed something to that effect on Twitter. Well, there’s yet another nail in that coffin. Sure you could argue that Ben Henderson is a former champ and Mark Bocek was never even in the title mix in the UFC but still, going into this fight Bocek was 9-3 and Henderson 12-2, you can’t say it was some terrible mismatch. Henderson is a bad ass. And his fights with Donald Cerrone and Anthony Pettis show that the dude is damn near impossible to submit these days. Plus, like almost all the WEC guys, he’s an exciting fighter to watch. For the record, I think Mac Danzig (who Bocek beat if you’re into MMA math) gets trounced by Henderson, Pettis, Cerrone, and most of the top WEC guys. Can Pettis beat  Gray Maynard or Frankie Edgar? That remains to be seen but the idea that the WEC guys aren’t at the level of the UFC guys has pretty much been myth: busted.

Speaking of WEC fighters, Mark Hominick is a bad ass. I mean I really believed Hominick had the best chance of beating Aldo with his great boxing and power but in that first round it looked like that “best chance” was still no chance in hell as Aldo delivered his lightning quick and brutal leg kicks and was able to keep Hominick out of an effective range. But as the fight went on Aldo seemed to lose some steam and Hominick started to pick up steam. But that confidence quickly went to Hominick’s head…oh wait now, that was just a hematoma the size of Rhode Island. Holy shit, man. Even Tito Ortiz and Stipe Miocic were like “Damn, son! That’s a freakishly big head!” (I love Stipe! It’s a joke and I know he’s got a good sense of humor and won’t smash me into paste). Anyway, I thought this would be “Fight of the Night” and boy, was it! Mark earned the respect of everyone, forcing the dynamic Aldo to take him down and he wasn’t even able to do anything with the takedown. Amazing fight and huge props to Hominick for being the being the first person to make Aldo look human.

Sadly, things didn’t go as well for Randy Couture. Fucking Karate Kid Crane Kick. Fucking Steven Seagal. Fucking Karate Kid and fucking Steven Seagal jokes for the next fucking week-and-a-half. However…

Well, that’s it. UFC 129 was an exciting and amazing night of fights that I really enjoyed… what? Oh yeah. Right…

Let me just say this. If you’re going to unfollow someone on Twitter, just do it. Telling them you’re unfollowing them like they should give half a fuck is just douchey.  I guess suggesting  that Mark Hominick deserves the praise of Canada because he’s a tough fighter with heart and is exciting to watch instead of that other dude is such an insane suggestion that I must be on drugs and I must be #unfollowed. Guess what? #douchemove

GSP vs. Jake Shields? Who cares? Seriously.

PS – Nick Diaz will beat GSP.

PSS – Simmer down, Canadians!

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CONTEST: Sometime in the next 24 hours I’ll leave a comment below that just says “KOS’d!!” The FIRST person who comments after that with “KOS
ME!” will win Season 12 of The Ultimate Fighter: Kos vs. GSP DVD set.