Spilled Bag of Fights: “Thee Ultimate Fighter”

So, it’s been a pretty slow week in MMA.  Really the only thing to discuss is the latest episode of The Ultimate Fighter. Thursday I was on “TUF Crap” radio show with Mitch Ciccarelli (@mitchciccarelli on Twitter) and discussed the episode. You can listen to it here if you missed it. Thanks to Mitch for that. His lovely co-host Erin McDougall (@theEMexperience on Twitter) was off getting ready for a fight –which she won! Congrats, Erin!  So, it’s time for me to get creative.

This week’s Spilled Bag of Fights will be a recap of the last episode of TUF – in play form with all the dialogue in antiquated Shakespearean/Victorian style. What?! Don’t worry. You’ll love it.

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“KOS In a Commotion” – a play based on The Ultimate Fighter

ACT I

SCENE I  – The Ultimate Fighter Training Center.

JOSH KOSCHECK and BRAD TATE stand outside the Team Koscheck and Team GSP rooms.

TATE: I say to thee, sir, that when Georges bests you in combat that you should show honor in admitting such.

KOSCHECK: I shan’t be bested! Of that I can assure you!

TATE: If thou art so confident, then perhaps a wager is in order, sir.

KOSCHECK: A wager? I shan’t make a wager with your ilk. For who are you to expect such? You are a lowly Nurse! A trade that ‘tis in tradition the domain of the fairer sex. You, sir, are a male nurse. I scoff at your absurd expectation of respect from a gentleman of my stature.

TATE: Sir, my livelihood ‘tis honorable and in this modern of eras, not at all shameful for a gentleman to have –despite your pleas to the contrary. I ask you, sir, what ennobles you to such superiority?

KOSCHECK: I, sir, am a fighter! A warrior that commands fear and respect from peasants and noblemen alike!

Koscheck grabs Tate.

KOSCHECK: I shall show you my skill in the fighting arts and you will know misfortune, sir!

Koscheck and Tate scuffle.

KOSCHECK: Do not become frightened or enraged, Tate, for I only attack thee in jest!

Koscheck grabs a plunger.

KOSCHECK: While it may not be a sword, this plunger is capable of transferring filth upon your skin and is more than sufficient in further humiliating you, should it make contact with your face, sir!

Tate picks up a trash can.

TATE: As you have improvised a weapon, so have I procured a makeshift shield! You shan’t succeed in manifesting your malicious mischief today!

Tate closes the door on Koscheck’s plunger, trapping it.

KOSCHECK: Hark, swine! Return my plunger with haste!

SCENE II

AARON WILKINSON and MARC STEVENS side by side on treadmills.

WILKINSON: It is rather unfortunate that we who are compatriots fighting under the flag of the Kingdom of Kos must now face each other in combat. However, I do find solace in the knowledge that one of us will know victory and move forward in our quest.

STEVENS: When the heat of battle has cooled I would request that you join me so that the valiant men that are under my tutelage may fortify their proficiency in the art of striking with closed fists of which you hold such mastery!

WILKINSON: Indeed, friend, I would find it honorable to do the very same and in exchange you may endow me with the skill of wresting and both of us shall be stronger combatants thereforth!

SCENE III

Stevens addresses the audience.

STEVENS: I confess I feel that my previous battle against Sir Cody has troubled my soul. I fell to his mighty Guillotine Choke in haste. My honor is at stake and I must enlighten Sir Koscheck and Lord Dana so they may see that my skill is worthy of the “wild card” they have bestowed upon me. I am aware that Sir Wilkinson has dispatched a small number of his past adversaries with a Guillotine Choke but I declare before God and man that I shan’t repeat that folly a second time!

ACT II

SCENE I  – The Ultimate Fighter Training Center Octagon-Side.

The members of Team Koscheck and Team GSP enter.

Koscheck approaches from behind Tate and pulls down Tate’s shorts.

TATE: Egad! Why hast thou exposed my manhood in such a juvenile way in front of all? Sir, your attempt to bring shame upon me is futile for what lies beneath my shorts is no cause for shame. I assure you, sir!

The two teams sit next to each other beside the Octagon.

TATE: I thank you, sir. Your feeble attempt at humor will instead bless me with the attention of a fair maiden.

SEVAK MAGAKIAN: There is nothing there with which to get attention, sir!

TATE: Deh deh deh deh deh. Your foreign manner of speaking is perplexing to my native ears, sir!

KOSCHECK: Sir, I declare that you only act in such a manner as to thrust yourself into the glaring light of notoriety since you are presently a gentleman of no such reputation.

TATE: And you, sir? The greatest attention that has been bestowed upon you is that of being bested by Sir Georges St. Pierre.

KOSCHECK: You, sir, a male nurse!

TATE: Or perhaps your infamy is a result of being a gentleman known for elaborate pantomimes of imaginary unlawful blows that call your adversary’s honor and sportsmanship into question when it is in fact you sir who are underhanded and dishonorable in competition!

KOSCHECK: You are a male nurse! A male nurse, sir!

TATE: Is that the very limit of your wit, sir?

KOSCHECK: It is but a matter of moments before I make this battle of words a battle of violent action, sir!

TATE: Pray tell, good sir, how many moments are there left before this happens?

Koscheck stands and grabs Tate by the neck. Dane Sayers gets in the middle of them as various fighters attempt to hold Koscheck and Tate apart. Koscheck pushes Dane’s face.

Eventually, things cool down and everyone sits back down.

SAYERS: I cannot bear this indignity!

Dane Sayers exits. Koscheck and GSP follow.

SCENE II

Koscheck and GSP approach Dane in the hallway outside the gym.

KOSCHECK: I offer you my hand in peace, sir. I felt that someone was threatening me.

SAYERS: I am enraged, sir! Though you are not my coach, I valiantly attempted to prevent you from engaging in unsanctioned combat and incurring the wrath of Lord Dana! And yet, despite my noble altruism, you lay your hands upon me, sir?

KOSCHECK: Good sir! That was not my intent! I beg your forgiveness as I was blinded by the rage I felt – but I assure you, sir, that rage was intended for the scoundrel male nurse and not for you, good sir!

GSP: This most bitter discontent is amongst those gentleman and those gentlemen alone. Do not sully yourself with such matters my young apprentice!

SAYERS: I shall indeed accept this and let this most unfortunate happenstance be!

SCENE III –The Fight

Marc Stevens and Aaron Wilkinson stand across from each other in the Octagon.  The referee instructs them to fight. A few blows are exchanged before Stevens gets a takedown. Stevens gets Wilkinson’s back and attempts to sink in a Rear Naked Choke.

NAM PHAN: Sir Aaron, protect thyself! Keep thy chin down as a means to this!

Wilkinson avoids the choke but Stevens gets on top of him and is landing strikes. This goes on for a few minutes before Wilkinson is able to scramble out and get on top. Wilkinson lands a few strikes as Stevens looks to secure a Triangle Choke from the bottom.

NAM PHAN: Sir! You are besting him! You are besting him! Victory is most certainly yours! Be wary of the Triangle, sir! You are besting him!

The round ends and the fighters return to their corners.

Round two begins. Wilkinson lands a few strikes when Stevens again gets the takedown. Wilkinson works to secure a Guillotine Choke.

NAM PHAN: Aaron! Rise, sir. Get back to thy feet where you surely will best him… Dost my eyes deceive me or hast he a Guillotine Choke?

Wilkinson sinks in the choke tighter and Stevens taps.

SCENE IV

Dana White addresses the audience.

WHITE: Sir Stevens is, methinks, not the fighter that he thought himself to be. Before mine own eyes I did witness him fall prey to the very same choke that Sir Cody McKenzie did best him with not more than a fortnight ago. Sir Phan’s skill as a corner-gentlemen was amongst the worst that I have beared witness to. His cries of Sir Wilkinson’s victory in the first stanza were rife with absurdity!

SCENE V

Marc Stevens addresses the audience.

STEVENS: Oh! Cruel fortune! You have smited me again. It is clear to me that my defense of the Guillotine Choke must be fortified with haste. Oh cruel irony. Oh curse’d Guillotine! How thou doth mock me!

End.

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Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If not, remember it’s free. Moving on to last week’s KOS-DUCK captioning contest. There were a couple of good ones but I think the simplest and funniest was ElderMichael’s. Congrats! Send your mailing address to SBoI@MMAGospel.com and I’ll send out your PRIDE 32 DVD ASAP.

Until next week, be awesome to yourselves, each other, and most importantly, me.