Back when I was a little boy, I dreamed that one day I’d make jokes on the Internet that would make many hundreds of people somewhat amused. Of course, the Internet didn’t exist then so that just proves what a visionary I was. Needless to say, I have made that dream come true. First it was the KOS’d phenomenon. Which you can read up on here if you somehow missed it. Now, I invented TEAM MEATBERRY. I remember it like it was only a couple of days ago…
So, a couple of days ago, Matt “Meathead” Mitrione tweeted about how he was training with Pat “Hype or Die” Barry and how Pat kicked him repeatedly in the same spots on his legs, also saying how much he was hurting and that he hates Pat. This reminds me of the story of the scorpion and the frog. The scorpion asks the frog for a ride across the lake and the frog says, “No, you’ll sting me!” and the scorpion replies, “If I sting you, you’ll die and then I will drown, so you have nothing to fear.” The frog sees the logic in this argument and agrees to give the scorpion a ride across the lake. The scorpion gets on the frog’s back and they begin crossing the lake. As they get half way across, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog cries out, “Why did you do that? Now we’re both going to die!” The scorpion replies, “I couldn’t help it. It’s my nature.”
Pat Barry kicking the shit out of things is his nature. You can’t blame something for following its nature. Anyway, I like “Meathead” and Pat. Matt was calling Pat “Berry” – a mispronunciation of his last name. If Jamie Varner and Donald Cerrone was any indication of where that sort of thing could lead, I had to act fast and be the peacemaker. So, I tweeted the following plea: “@mattmitrione @HypeOrDie You boys need to stop bickering and go back to being a team… WAR Team MeatBerry!”
I had achieved my goal but… at what cost? I may have also opened Pandora’s Box. Pat replied with: “@spilledbagofice @mattmitrione YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! FUCKIN TEAM “MEATBERRY” Now everybody’s gonna die! Bra, we unstoppable with that name” Next thing I know, there was talk of world domination …and hoodies. Assured that I would be on Team MeatBerry’s good side and I’d get a hoodie, I had no choice but to sell the rest of humanity out and save myself. My bad. I’ll do my best to keep MEATBERRY from destroying everything but once MEATBERRY emerged from the Pandora’s Box I opened, it became survival at all costs. So, I decided that I would do what I could to secure my place on TEAM MEATBERRY. I had to show them I was valuable to the Team. I did this through Photoshop propaganda. Once again, the photography education that I’m still paying off a decade later, proved itself useful.
There was a scary moment when my original version featured a photo of “Meathead” that he didn’t like. Luckily, I saved the original .psd file and was able to switch the photo of Matt as well as add the HYPE HEAD logo (also an invention of mine). Thankfully, mercifully, now both “The Meat” and “The Berry” approved and I live to tweet another day… with my legs unkicked.
Okay, I guess I should mention some other MMA of the past week since this is an MMA Recap column – allegedly. I’ll keep it brief so as not to anger the MEATBERRY.
Strikeforce Challengers 12 was the same night I invented MEATBERRY so, I was distracted with what was unfolding before me on Twitter and Photoshopping… but I did note a few things.
Jan “Cuddles” Finney fought Liz “Girl-Rilla” Carmouche. I became a fan of “Cuddles” when she showed an amazing amount of heart and toughness in her fight against Cris “Cyborg” Santos. And for the record guys, the jokes about Cris looking like a man aren’t nice or funny. I mean seriously, do you think that’s clever or original? It’s not. Not even a little bit. And my rule is: if you’re going to be mean, at least be funny. So knock it off! Anyway, I think “Girl-Rilla” is a pretty good nickname but it’s no “Cuddles” or “GirlFight Monster” (Hitomi Akano). I think “MegaMegu” Megumi Fujii, “Cuddles” and “GirlFight Monster” should be the real life PowerPuff Girls (Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup respectively – Yes, I watched it. So?) Anyway, heart, toughness, four times more experience and an awesome nickname weren’t enough to stop “Girl-Rilla” who dominated “Cuddles” before getting a third round TKO. Either way, it was a damn good fight.
Next up was Marius Zaromskis vs. Waachiim Spiritwolf. Spiritwolf isn’t his nickname, it’s his actual fucking name! How cool is that?! Answer: Totally fucking cool! Both dudes are tough scrappers so this was going to be a barn burner! Unless, of course, Zaromskis comes out with a flying knee and accidentally pokes Spiritwolf in the eye six seconds into the fight making him unable to continue and having it called a No Contest… but c’mon what are the odds of that?
I didn’t really see the other fights cause I got distracted by MEATBERRY.
I also did this because I still think it’s lame that Mauro Ranallo blocked half of Twitter, including me.
Then there was UFC 123. Lessons learned? Glad you asked!
Mark Munoz is a bad ass. And Saturday night he was a badder ass than Aaron “A-Train” Simpson.
Brian Foster is also a bad ass and if you call his heart into question as Matt Brown did, you might just unleash some fury in your direction by way of a second round Guillotine Choke.
Karo Parisyan is a veteran but with all due respect to his storied career, looked pretty washed up in his first round TKO at the hands of Dennis Hallman.
Just when tough underdog Joe Lauzon looked like he might pull an upset against 14-2 Aussie George Sotiropoulos by outworking him in the first round, “G-Sot” came back strong in the second and submitted “J-Lau”.
Phil “Mr. Wonderful” Davis looked every bit the prospect to watch and even invented his own submission in his second round victory – a modified Kimura/Hammerlock that Joe Rogan dubbed “The Mr. Wonderful” Let’s see if it catches on.
Gerald Harris, another up-and-coming prospect to watch, got beat up by Chute Boxe bad ass Maiquel Jose “Big Rig” Falcao Goncalves, a guy with way too many names. I mean, seriously. It’s like: “Hi! My name is David John Michael Rodriguez Johnson Steven Lloyd Dennis Carl “The Super Duper Ninja of Doom” Robert Henry Davidson Peters.” Anyway, for the first two rounds it was a helluva fight. Unfortunately, in the third round Falcao decided to turn off the engine of his “Big Rig” and really coast to victory and Harris, perhaps more disappointingly, didn’t fight with the all out desperation of a guy down two rounds. However, both of these dudes have immense potential and should have a good future ahead of them.
BJ Penn came out like a man on a mission and didn’t give Matt Hughes a chance to use his strength as a wrestler against Penn as Penn tagged him with a KO shot that stopped the fight 21 seconds in.
Rampage Jackson and Lyoto Machida had a ho-hum fight where ‘Page stuck to a smart game plan by pressuring “The Dragon” and not giving him the range that he is most effective in. However, most of the fight was Rampage chasing Lyoto down while Lyoto evaded Rampage’s power punches or in the clinch where I thought Rampage scored more points with foot stomps, knees and combinations on the break. Yet none of these shots really hurt Machida. The third round was all Machida’s as he got Jackson down and worked, unsuccessfully, for submissions. Rampage scored a Split Decision victory that surprisingly he seemed to think he didn’t deserve and offered Machida an immediate rematch. Some people agreed that Lyoto should’ve won. I don’t. Rampage controlled the Octagon for almost the entire first two rounds and landed more in the clinches. I scored it for Rampage two rounds to one. Either way, the first two rounds were close enough that I can’t see anyone being up in arms about the decision no matter which way it went. Also, I have no interest in watching a rematch. Thankfully, neither does Dana White.
All right, icemigos. I’m done for this week. I know I didn’t get into TUF but there was nothing that I really wanted to discuss about it and no point in just doing a bland recap. I’m just staying true to my nature. ‘Til next week, WAR TEAM MEATBERRY!!