(Original photo courtesy of Tracy Lee and Yahoo! Sports)
As a new feature on MMAGospel.com, we are asking fighters and MMA personalities to answer a specific question or set of questions, and then presenting their gut-busting responses to our readers. The first subject? Nuts. Or more specifically, oh-so-painful (but hilarious) groin shots.
In this premiere installment, the premise is that our guest contributors are commentating on a fight and the following fighters have just been tagged with an unfortunate kick or knee to the groin that provides ample opportunity to make a snarky comment at the expense of a man’s poor junk. Here’s how they would describe the following fighters being on the receiving end of crotch carnage…
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Georges St. Pierre
Michael “The VOICE” Schiavello: Ooh that’s gotta hurt… but he’s French… so it will hurt just a little and then he’ll paint about it.
Sean “Big Sexy” McCorkle: GSP will probably sound like Mickey Mouse when he talks now…whether the kick landed or not.
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni: He got kicked in his… oh how do you say? WEE WEE.
Danny “Dannyboy” Downes: GSP would still rather that crotch shot than have to talk to Josh Koscheck.
Dylan Horner: Oh! Man, I don’t think GSP was too impressed with THAT performance.
Spilled Bag of Ice (SBoI): OH! Right in the GSPeepee!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Josh Barnett
Michael “The VOICE” Schiavello: What? Josh still has balls after the Mighty Mo fight??
Sean “Big Sexy” McCorkle: That might have ruined whatever was left of his testicles.
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni: I guess steroids don’t shrink it.
Danny “Dannyboy” Downes: If he took as many steroids as people accuse him of, there’s no way that would’ve hurt him. Looks like someone owes Josh Barnett an apology.
SBoI: Right in the Josh BarNutts!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Not Shogun. (File photo)
Mauricio Rua
Michael “The VOICE” Schiavello: That shot put the “Aaaaaargh” in Rua!
Sean “Big Sexy” McCorkle: His opponent obviously doesn’t like Brazilian nuts.
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni: He won’t be using or showing that gun for weeks.
Danny “Dannyboy” Downes: They have a shogun and a ninja in the family. Let’s hope they have a urologist too.
SBoI: Shogun! OhNO GUN!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Donald Cerrone
Michael “The VOICE” Schiavello: He’ll be wearing his nards as earrings! Try returning THAT to Tiffany’s!
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni: Looks like he got clipped in his Yee Haw!
Danny “Dannyboy” Downes: John Wayne wouldn’t need 5 minutes to recover. He was a real cowboy.
Dylan Horner: Ouch! Cowboy Cerrone kicked right in the junk like a bucking bronco on rodeo night.
SBoI: Ooof! That had to jangle the Cowboy’s spurs!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Wanderlei Silva
Michael “The VOICE” Schiavello: He Hitler’d him with that shot, now he’s only got one nut left!
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni: One way to stop an Axe Murderer you don’t see in the movies.
SBoI: Right in the Axe Handle!!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Roy Nelson
Michael “The VOICE” Schiavello: Don’t worry Roy, I’m sure the donuts you’re hiding in your trunks blunted the impact!
Sean “Big Sexy” McCorkle: And Roy takes a shot below his stretch marked belt!
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni: He got hit some place he has not seen in twelve years. Yeah, buddy, you must still have one.
Danny “Dannyboy” Downes: It’s ok Roy, lots of Big Countries are vulnerable south of the border.
SBoI: Right in Big Country’s peninsula!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Takanori Gomi
Michael “The VOICE” Schiavello: I think I saw his ball just poke out of his belly button!
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni: That was low! Talk about fire balls, huh?
SBoI: (Easy) OH! Right in the fireBALLS, Kid!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Jake Shields
Michael “The VOICE” Schiavello: Ouch! Now he really will look like a Ken Doll… no balls after that!
Sean “Big Sexy” McCorkle: I’m sure that woke Jake Shields up. Too bad it couldn’t do the same for everyone watching.
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni: That was exciting.
Danny “Dannyboy” Downes: Great, looks like a Shields fight is going to last even longer now…
SBoI: We knew Jake would go to the ground but who knew he’d be down there looking for his balls!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
About the participants:
Michael “The Voice” Schiavello is the voice of K-1, Dream, Sengoku, and HDNet Fights. His unbridled, passionate style of commentating has made him a legend and fan favorite in MMA. Follow him on Twitter: @SchiavelloVOICE and vote for him as leading man in the MMA Awards! Voting ends November 26.
Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni is a veteran and a legend in MMA, having fought in the UFC, Pride, and Strikeforce. True MMA fans love and respect Phil for being one of the dying breed of fighters who fights to finish with a “no guts, no glory” passion. Phil also has a degree in Psychology and his hobbies include poker and dog walking. Follow him on Twitter: @PhilBaroni and root for him in his UFC 125 fight against Brad Tavares on New Year’s Day 2011.
Sean “Big Sexy” McCorkle went from shit-talking Internet legend to the guy who finished legend and veteran Mark Hunt with an Armbar from the bottom 67 seconds into his UFC debut, bringing his pro record to 10-0. Despite the entertaining trash-talking, Sean is a nice, accessible guy – though it’s probably best to stay on his good side. Follow him on Twitter: @BigSexyMcCorkle and root for him when he takes on “The Skyscraper” Stefan Struve at UFC 124 on December 11.
Danny “Dannyboy” Downes is a 155lb. fighter in the WEC with a record of 6-1. Follow him on Twitter: @DannyboyDownes and root for him in his upcoming fight against “The Mongolian Wolf” Tiequan Zhang at WEC 53 on December 16.
Dylan Horner lives in Las Vegas and writes for MMA Valor. Follow him on Twitter: @xxFranchizexx.
Spilled Bag of Ice is a legend in MMA (on Twitter). He writes the “Spilled Bag of Fights” column right here on MMA Gospel. If you’re not already following him on Twitter, what’s wrong with you? @spilledbagofice.
I ding dang loved it! I wish I were half as talented as the gentlemen above! Then I wouldn’t feel like my life was a sham. but GREAT READ! I loved it.
Thanks for including me in this! It was pretty fun! Oh don’t forget tho that I want Jaco hat!
I want a Jaco Hat.
now that’s said, id imagine Jakey would be amazed the junk down there still works, despite his boyish looks when he’s wrasslin; you down for 15-25 minutes. surprised hendo or kampmann didn’t get a visit from the Catch a Predator guys now i think about it….
do you think if Chael knocked Anderson’s lil spider’s by accident, his English might be a bit understandable? someday the world might know
I want a Jaco hat!
I want a jaco hat!!!!
So do you think if you kick Chael Sonnen in the balls, and he says something outrageous, will it hurt him extra-bad because it is actually Senor Chael, and if Senor Chael is from Mexico he probably trims the “bush” around his “house” so there is no cushion between your foot and his “house”? Also, I want a Jaco Hat.
The only thing that can make your nuts feel better after a kick is a nice big spilledbagofice!
I WANT A JACO HAT!
I want a Jaco Hat
I want a JACO hat so bad, I’d sacrifice Jamie Varners testicles!!
i hear whenever you kick Koscheck in the kos’s (kosi, kosers, whatever the plural is), his hair turns a brighter hue of yellow. it’s the only way to tell he’s not faking. AKA probably knows about this as much as they know i want a jaco hat.
I was the only one to post the comment as stated in directions.