Spilled Bag of Fights: KOS’d!!!

So… Have you guys been watching this season of The Ultimate Fighter? Some of you know where I’m going with this. Okay, all of you know where I’m going with this. It’s become somewhat of a TUF tradition for pranks to be pulled. Normally, these pranks are by the fighters who are cooped up in the house and need to stay entertained and let off some steam. But sometimes the coaches get involved in the pranking shenanigans. “Rampage” Quinton Jackson pulled a few pranks on Rashad Evans when they were rival coaches on Season 10: Heavyweights of TUF. Rampage put some live chickens in Rashad’s car, had a less-than-flattering painting of Team Rashad commissioned, you know, pranks.

Well, on this season of TUF, Josh Koscheck has taken that tradition to another level. The thing is that this “other level” exists in some bizarre alternate reality that I’ll call “The KOSverse”.  The first “prank” Kos decides to pull is to take 15 minutes out of his apparently very busy schedule to park two cars really close to rival coach Georges St. Pierre’s car on both sides.  So GSP totally had to turn sideways and squeeze into his car! It was like 30 seconds of inconvenience! Good work, Kos! Then this week, when GSP showed up for practice, Kos was wearing the same tight grappling shorts that GSP wears – which Kos inaccurately referred to as “Speedos”.  Kos gloated about how he was getting into GSP’s head, as if he had really gotten him good. It was plainly obvious to anyone not named Kos that GSP was “not impressed with his performance” as a prankster. In fact, Kos was so painfully oblivious and delusional that he assumed GSP’s complete indifference must be because he had really gotten into GSP’s head. Kos then really turned it up a notch by saying that GSP is a nerd that talks like a robot, all the while laughing to himself in a way that was much like Butthead’s laugh coming out of Beavis’s head.

Then, the following exchange occurred on Twitter the evening of Wednesday, October 6:

Me: “Kos pulls the lamest ‘pranks’ ever. What next? Move GSP’s gym bag across the room? You really know how to burn someone, Kos!”

@SenorChael: “@spilledbagofice Kos pulled a great prank once. 33 years ago his mom was expecting a baby boy & got a muppet. KOS’d!!”

Me: “HAHA! @SenorChael KOS’d will now be code for pulling a lame prank! Yo, homie. I replaced your whole milk with 2%! KOS’d!!”

And KOS’d is born.

Now, I know a lot of you already know most of this story, but bear with me so I can document the birth of KOS’d for the archives of MMA/Twitter history. And next time someone asks: “What’s all this KOS’d business about?” you can just refer them here.

From there, the Twitter MMA community ran with KOS’d!! and nurtured it into the phenomena it is today – four days into the KOS’d era. For clarification, the definition of KOS’d is:  “Any ‘prank’ that is either so lame that the victim of the prank doesn’t even notice the ‘prank’ or requires a disproportionate amount of energy to pull off, thus causing the person pulling the prank to be more inconvenienced than the intended victim.”

If you don’t believe that KOS’d is a revolution, just do a search on Twitter for “KOS’d” and #KOSd. None other than “The New York Bad Ass” Phil Baroni fully embraced it, using an appropriately lame “Hey I sent you a message, did you get it? No? Check again” trick, to KOS’d the UFC, Kenny Florian, and Joey Villasenor. Good times. I even made three short KOS’d animated clips that you can watch here: www.xtranormal.com/profile/3681447/

One can only wonder what kind of epically lame KOS’d is in store for us on the rest of the TUF season. I just know I’ll be watching and taking a drink whenever someone gets KOS’d.

Okay, moving on to the other MMA of the week – Strikeforce: Diaz vs. Noons II. Tyron Woodley made quick and easy work of Andre Galvao.  Simple enough, right?

Marloes Coenen’s reach gave Sarah Kaufman problems throughout the fight, and in the third round when Kaufman got on top, Coenen was able to throw a slick armbar on her. It seemed Kaufman didn’t tap clearly enough for Coenen – who wasn’t going to let it go until the ref called it. This was bad news for Kaufman’s arm which got ganked pretty hard. Coenen clearly felt bad about it and looked to be near tears. Come on! You don’t see Aoki crying when… oh yeah… nevermind. Aoki cries all the time. But not because he hurt his opponent. I guess the dude just gets overwhelmed being the “Baka Survivor” and all. Anyway, impressive finish from Coenen in what was otherwise a lackluster fight.

“The Punk” Josh Thompson had a good back-and-forth fight with “JZ” Gesias Cavalcante. Toward the end of the first round, JZ locked up a tight guillotine on Thompson, but the joke was on him since apparently Thompson’s brain doesn’t require blood.  Once his arms gassed out, Thompson was able to get JZ in a side choke but wasn’t able to stop his opponent before the bell.  I thought that was a 10-10 round. The second round, Thompson clearly outpointed JZ, and in the last five minutes of the fight, JZ came back and clearly won the round. So, I called the fight a draw but the when a round is as close as the first, it can go either way. But quite clearly the second round was Thompson’s and the third round was Cavalcante’s. Clearly! Obviously. You’d think, right? Thompson took the unanimous decision. Fair enough. But one judge scored all three rounds for Thompson. Scoring so ridiculous that Thompson himself complained about how a judge could call it 30-27 in his favor. Classy, upstanding move from the punk.

I heard that Nick Diaz said he’d fight anyone, anywhere, anytime! – except at 4:20, he’s busy then. (If you heard that one already, sorry. I’m proud of it.)

Anyway, the main event was a grudge rematch between reining Strikeforce Welterweight Champ Nick Diaz and KJ Noons. Well, actually, it was between Diaz, Noons, and Noons’ hair. I guess you could say KJ “likes to bang”, and you could also say he “likes his bangs”. If you haven’t seen the fight and you think I’m overstating it a bit, every other tweet during the fight was about KJ Noons’ hair and how he was constantly pushing it out of his eyes. They even asked him about it at the post-fight presser. If there was a “HairMetric” fight analysis, Noons would have broken it; he would’ve beaten Clay Guida at hair touches and Clay Guida has a damn curtain of hair. Also be sure to check out @KJNoonsHair on Twitter. Yes, seriously. I made a joke about “the over/under on someone starting a @KJNoonsHair account” and five minutes later, the joke was real. And for the record, I don’t know who it is but it isn’t me.

Oh right…the actual fight. Well, Diaz shot in for a couple of takedowns that Noons was able to avoid but, by in large, both guys seemed to be content keeping it standing.  Noons’ hair aside, not much to comment on really – it was a good back-and-forth fight. Noons seemed to fade more in the championship rounds than Diaz did, which might be the result of him constantly wiping his hair out of his eyes. You think I’m kidding but every time he did that with his hand was a time he could have been throwing a punch. I won’t go as far as to say that his hair cost him the fight; I think Diaz’s striking has just improved more in the three years since the two last fought. Plus, while Noons’ boxing ability is top-level for MMA no doubt, anyone who acts as though Noons is on some untouchable level is clearly nuts. I think Diaz proved that.

Final note about Strikeforce: Diaz vs. Noons II – Mauro Ranallo, with his creepy slicked back hair and really shitty version of what “The Voice” Michael Schiavello is a master of, has blocked everyone on Twitter who has said anything even remotely negative about him. Not just people who are constantly harassing him, but anyone who makes a joke at his expense. How fragile does your ego have to be to go through that kind of trouble to do that? As Kit Cope concisely summed it up: “He’s a creepy cheeseball!” Indeed, sir. Indeed.

I know all you baby birds are waiting so anxiously to be fed my hilarious and insightful column. So I’ll wrap it up. I just want to comment on the issue of the world’s most famous ring girl, Arianny Celeste, being in Playboy and those pictures being leaked on the internet. Yes, it’s wrong but as Joe Rogan famously said, “You can’t stop the internet”, and as soon as they’re taken down from one place they’ll be put up somewhere else. A certain amount of fans will go buy it no matter what and chasing the pictures around the ‘net with threats of lawsuits like a game of hot-naked-girl Whack-a-Mole is absurd. Legal issues and the fact that this is a work-safe site prohibit me from posting the Arianny pictures here, but you can still check them out here: http://bit.ly/c5Emzm – at least they were still up at the time this was published.  Enjoy, Icemigos! Until next time…

PS – For an update on the KOS’d!!! spectacle, click here!